I teach a course this semester at Cornell on Intimate Relationships: Liking, Loving, and Interpersonal Attraction.
Recently, I asked my class how you get someone interested in you who has not shown much interest.
Here are the tips my class has for you, with some additions of my own!
1. Show you have a passion for something.
One student suggested that potential partners are interested in someone who has a passion—someone who cares about something.
So, show you have a passion, whatever that passion may be—changing the world, collecting coins, playing the clarinet, playing soccer, knitting, woodworking, whatever it may be.
2. Give them something they like.
Ask about them. What do they like? What do they really care about? Then, unexpectedly, give them something they will like and appreciate.
Don’t overdo it; don’t overplay your hand. But show you understand what makes them tick and what would be personally meaningful to them.
3. Actively listen.
Everyone wants to be heard. Everyone wants to be understood. But how many times have you been in relationships where you felt a partner just didn’t understand you, or worse, didn’t listen to you?
Actively listening scores you points, and if you understand, all the better!
4. Subtly let them know the benefits of being in a relationship with you.
Telling someone how great you are usually doesn’t work. But what often does work is subtly conveying to a potential partner what you have to offer.
Do you have more than average smarts? Friends? Business connections? Money? Love? A beautiful house? Patience? Social skills? Love-making skills?
Make sure your partner knows without your directly having to brag about it.
5. Show them you are willing to invest resources in them.
Although evolutionarily, resources are supposed to be more important to women, today, they probably are about equally important to both men and women.
Are you willing to invest time? Money? Love? Care? This is not just about giving them something they like. It is about a longer-term investment.
How can you show them that you are willing to invest in them, perhaps even your life?
6. Show enthusiasm for them.
If someone says they care about you, even that they love you, but seems unenthusiastic about you, how does that leave you feeling? Probably not that great.
Actions speak louder than words. Show through your actions that you are enthusiastic and that they excite you.
7. Match their love triangle.
No two people have exactly the same love triangle—amounts of intimacy, passion, and commitment. But we know that relationships often fail because love triangles are too different in size or shape.
If you and they want different things, can you meet them half-way, maybe even three-quarters of the way? And can you do so without giving up on who you are?
The more you can match them, the better off you will do in getting them interested in you.
So if you want commitment and they want intimacy, can you start with intimacy? Can you put your need for commitment on hold for a while?
Try it. You may find them to be much more receptive.
8. Make them feel like the most special person in the world.
Let’s face it. Everyone wants to feel special. You do. Your potential partner does. Can you make them feel as special as they would like to feel? If you can, you will give yourself an edge in getting closer to them.
9. Tell them what makes them special.
You want them to feel special, but you also want them to know why they are special. Tell them. If you can’t, that tells you something too.
You don’t want to join yourself with someone who is a figment of your imagination. Figure it out and tell them!
10. Put them first.
You really want to be a hit? Show your partner that you put their needs first. We live in such a narcissistic, self-preoccupied world. Finding someone who puts someone else first? It doesn’t get any better than that.
So please: Try these suggestions. Or at least some of them. And let me know if they work!