Your Secret Admirer

Last night, we were dining out eating Chinese food. 

The triplets each took a fortune cookie and read us their fortunes.  I usually let fortune-cookie messages go in one ear and out the other but, in this case, our son’s fortune made a big impression on me.  It said:

“An admirer is too shy to meet you.  Be on the lookout and make the first move!”

Wow!  Isn’t that the situation that all young people and quite a few older people would like to be in? 

If only they got our son’s fortune cookie and the fortune that accompanied it! 

Who doesn’t want a secret admirer?  Our son is only 9 years old, so I’m confident he will be willing to give his fortune to you!

If you would like a secret admirer who is really eager to meet you, the best way to find one is to act as though you already have one! You just have to figure out who that secret admirer is and then find the secret admirer!

Don’t worry about whether you truly have a secret admirer quite yet—just act as though you do and try to find them!

And what do potential partners look for in a mate?  Lots of things. Here are some of the more important ones:

1. Positive Self-Esteem and Self-Respect

One thing potential partners look for—unless they are damaged goods—is positive self-esteem, positive self-respect, and a positive view of oneself in relation to the world—exactly what someone with a secret admirer will feel because they know, for sure, that there is someone interested in them and eager to meet them.  They know that they have someone who wants them, and just them, in their life.  

Notice that I said, “positive self-esteem,” not “overblown self-esteem.”  No one wants to be with a jerk who thinks they are perfect and that everything they say is right.  We all know people like this. 

I recently was trying to deal with someone like this in my work and quickly did what I could to get them out of my life.  They just knew everything about everything and couldn’t be bothered to hear that they might be wrong.  This is not what partners are looking for.  

Someone with genuine positive esteem respects themselves.  They have reasons to think highly of themselves, without letting their positive feelings get overblown. They think they have something to offer.

And potential partners want someone with something to offer—someone who has something to give, not just lots to take.

2. Openness to Experience

Here’s another thing potential partners are looking for—openness to new experiences—someone who is game for new adventures and excitement in life that they can have, uniquely, with you. You will only find your secret admirer if you are open to new experiences.

If you know you have a secret admirer and are actively seeking to find your secret admirer, then you are already—right there—looking for a new partner and new experiences to have with that partner. 

Instead of shutting down, you have opened up. You were open to experience!

A reason it is so hard to get into new relationships after relationship failures is that people often still are trapped, psychologically, in their old relationship. 

They cannot quite let go. Even though they may be physically free, they are psychologically imprisoned in the jail of the old relationship. 

They often make unsatisfactory partners, because the new relationship is not really about the new relationship; it is about the old relationship and how hard the person is letting go of it. 

If you are actively seeking your secret admirer, you are testifying to your openness to experience—to embarking on a new adventure that is freed of the bonds of your old relationships and the baggage they bring with them.

3. Curiosity about the World

Here’s another thing people want in partners—they want someone who is curious about the world. 

Perhaps it is someone who wants to travel with a new partner; or someone who wants to learn about the new partner and where they are from and what it was like for them to grow up; or they want to learn about new hobbies they can share with a potential partner or a new sports activity they could share (deep-sea diving, anyone?). 

It often matters less exactly what they are curious about than that they are curious about something. 

If you are looking for your secret admirer, then you are curious.  Who are they? What are they like?  Why do they secretly admire you?  What do they have in mind for a future, brief or long-term, with you? 

That’s the kind of excitement everyone should look for.  Again, be open to new experiences to find your secret admirer!

4. Assertiveness (without Aggressiveness)

When I talk about assertiveness, I am not talking about the kind of person who has to dominate every conversation or always have their way or who cannot stop talking long enough to listen to anyone but themselves. 

Rather, I am talking about someone who, upon learning they have a secret admirer, goes out and tries to find them. 

If your secret admirer is too shy to meet you, then they need someone who is not too shy to meet them—as the fortune said, someone to “make the first move.” 

If you are out there looking for that secret admirer, you have shown that you are not just going to wait around forever for someone to come up to you and tell you they admire you. 

You have shown you can assert yourself and look for them. They want to be found, if only you will seek them.

5. Brains

Finding a secret admirer requires brains. You can’t just approach every unattached person out there and blab about your search for your secret admirer.

You have to be discerning; you have to be selective; you have to be discreet. You have to have the brains to find not just anyone, but the person who is waiting for you.  You need to know what to look for and what kind of person will be attracted just to you.

Seek and You Will Find (Your Secret Admirer)!

In real life, that other you are seeking may not be a secret admirer—yet. 

But if you act as though that wonderful person is out there, looking for you, you will find them; and if they are not yet a secret admirer, they will become one. Find ‘em! 

Whether they know it or not, they are waiting for you; and you are waiting for them. 

They’re shy, though.  Finding them is in your hands and heart.  As it says in the Bible, translated into modern language, “Seek and you will find.” 

Don’t wait. Seek your secret admirer and you will find them.

There is no better time to start looking for that secret admirer, who may not yet even know they are your secret admirer, than right now!